Here is what I feel when I am in my very dark place:
I don't want to support anyone else's projects and ideas ever in any way at all. I want to be the center of attention at all times.
Writing and performing texts where I pretend to be famous is fun, but I don't want to pretend anymore, I want to actually be famous. I want to feel, and BE, so superior to other people that anyone who has ever been mean to me sees my photograph in a magazine and literally wants to kill themselves and/or commit violent acts against their own person, I mean like cutting out their own eyeballs and swallowing them. What happens when I am thinking this is that I feel this intense, like, welling in my chest and I want to grab the nearest object and squeeze it so hard it shatters.
I don't understand the problem with being surrounded by syncophants. I want to be surrounded by them constantly. I do not want to so much as turn around without someone complimenting me.
Nobody takes me seriously, everybody is talking about me behind my back, they think I am ridiculous and wonder when I will outgrow my schtick already.
I used to think it would be wonderful to be a cult figure or underground icon, but underground icons die young, poor and addicted to drugs. I have to be MASSIVE, or there is no point in being alive.
I am sick of social justice, the notion that my life and career ought to contribute to the betterment of the world, and anything and everything connected with caring about other people. The reason I want to be famous is not because I think fame is meaningful, but because it seems like a way to dwell in fantasy as much and as often as possible. I am ONLY interested in escape. I have no interest in reality whatsoever.
I am not cut out for a lifetime of WORK.
...Please please please please keep in mind that this is my "very dark place," this is not "me."
And usually what it leads to is the recognition that what I am really frustrated about is that I am not disciplining myself to make stuff that I ought to be making, that my work in various media is not improving to the extent that it can or should, that the only person I am actually angry with is myself, etc, etc, you get the point.